A few years ago, God led me through a time of brokenness. My father was struggling through the latter stages of Parkinson’s disease and my husband was going through a hard time that affected me in all areas. I had a full plate of leading a small group and a job that was highly relational. I was also trying to carry out responsibilities to help with my father and mother, in addition to figuring out this new phase of marriage.  

My circumstances were not changing for the better, if not getting worse, and all I had to garner strength from was my time with God in His word and prayer. I met with Him daily and established a pattern of self-examination, repentance and joy in Him. I learned for the first time that prayer was not about changing my circumstances. It was about clinging in joy to the Vine, the giver and sustainer of life.    

During this time of brokenness, I continued to lead my small group. It was a scary thing because I was much more fragile. I had established a group in which the rapport was already built, but I really think I began to lead in a new way because I was so much more connected to God and His word. I was actually strengthened as a leader because I was clinging to God and depending upon Him instead of my own skills or personality or gifting. God was doing a work in me that produced growth and a perseverance that could only be from Him.

Was this time easy? Oh no. But, I did learn trust and joy in the midst of pain. I learned about authentically struggling without making my struggle the center of my life—Christ became the center. I am so thankful for that time because that pattern of connection with God continues in my life. 

So many times in my life, I have tried to pour from an empty, dried up container only to spread the dust of death around instead of the life of the Spirit. I have learned that if I try to lead others, disconnected from my relationship with Christ, I set a tone in the group that is artificial and inorganic. The group simply becomes another sermon thrown at them instead of a place for the lives of real people to connect to a real God who gives real direction in His word.  

Depending just on my gifting, I try to hand out advice instead of bearing with them and listening. If I am not being convicted of sin daily as I walk with God, I am quick to be critical of others or point to a legalistic fix instead of pointing to the gospel. Or, in other times, I might give cheap grace that does not see the depth and deadly effect of sin by simply trying to please others by making them feel better. These are all ways to waste the time in a small group. 

As a leader, I am not an expert. A small group is simply not a task to fulfill or a group of people to “fix.” A small group is an organism with individuals that grow individually and collectively. As a leader, I am there to foster spiritual growth and community in others, and I cannot ask individuals or a group to grow where I do not grow myself. 

What makes a good small group leader? The first thing is a growing, wrestling, struggling, real relationship with the One who transforms me into the likeness of Christ because that is the only hope for me as the leader and group as a whole.  

How do I foster that relationship practically day in and day out?  I spend time in God’s word daily in study and not just a devotional thought. It is through the truth of His word that my heart is intersected. Only through that truth am I made aware of how places in my life are in direct opposition to God. In the light of His word, I take time to examine my heart in relationship to God and others and follow Him by repentance and obedience. 

Again, I cannot ask the group to examine and grow if I am not practicing this in my own life. I want to lead in realities and not theories.  I also take time to pray for the group as a whole and individually. I may plant and water to some extent, but it is the Spirit who grows them and brings fruit. As I learn dependence on Christ, I teach them that through my life.  

As a leader, I am called to live a life of struggle, growth and authenticity just as I pray my group does. It is not about fancy methods of growth strategies, but it is about a life that clings to The Vine of Jesus Christ, our very hope.